We get it. You’re the Denzel Washington of your life and everyone else is merely a Judy Greer (one of the greatest side-character actresses of our time). Hans Zimmer writes the soundtrack to your late-night runs to Target to buy Doritos and Margarita mix. Perez Hilton gives the play by play everytime you pump your gas.

Celebrate being the top-billed person in everyone’s life with the “Main Character Energy” koozie. Made from heavy-duty polyester, like that skirt you bought from Forever 21 when you were 16. Guaranteed to keep your cold cans colder longer.

Fonts in use: Cadet Black by Central Type and Santa Ana sans Bold by Hoodzpah.